its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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