Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
