Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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