Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
