So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
