I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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