sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
