I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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