I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
