I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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