He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
