woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
we should paint friendship bongs
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