I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
