Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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