Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
