Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
