I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Randomize
