Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
