I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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