i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
