this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
