non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also, beer. Big fan.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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