My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
