I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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