Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
