My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Green mimosas i think yes
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
