New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
