i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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