So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think people are normalizing furries
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
