im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
