if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
