I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
As shirtless as possible
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
