Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
