his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
