Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
