You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
