Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
