he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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