a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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