wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
