yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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