You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
