So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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