My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
