what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
