They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
