I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
