He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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