Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
