don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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