I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
