did you get engaged???
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Randomize
