Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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