So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
