I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
