It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
