loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
