D3 body, D1 cock
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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