did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
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This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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