Can i not drive my cunt home
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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