'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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