hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
