drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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