I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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