I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
